SPR and Alcohol, Bad Mix!
by British-Hedgehog09
Summary: So, a friend and I had a brilliant idea, and we were like, 'what if there existed a story where the SPR staff each got intoxicated' that story now exists. Pairings include Mai/Naru, Ayako/Bou-san, Madoka/Lin.
1. In Which Someone Spikes Naru's Tea

It all started, when one of the dumbasses, spiked his drink. Mai had been making his tea when Ayako and Bou-san burst into the kitchen.

"We've got it, Jou-chan, you can just get back to work if you want," Bou-san said, taking the tea cup from her as Ayako steered her towards her desk, giving her no time to protest.

"Uhm…okay?" if only she knew what the Idiot Brigade had been up to.

One hour and eight more cups of 'special' tea courtesy of Bou-san and Ayako, Naru opened the door of his office, looked around, and promptly dropped on to his hands and knees, crawling 'discreetly' over to Mai's desk.

"Mai," he whispered, tugging on her skirt. Thank God she decided to wear leggings that day. "Mai." He whispered again. Mai looked down.

"What the…Naru? You okay there?" he shot up, clapping his hands together.

"Never better!" he looked around "But…where's my TARDIS?"

"TARDIS? What are you talking about?" Mai turned to face him, raising an eyebrow.

"My TARDIS. Stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. I've misplaced it, Rose." Naru said sincerely.

"Naru, you are not the Doctor, and my name is not Rose." Mai pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I could be!" Naru defended. Both were oblivious to the snickering Ayako and Bou-san at the back of the room.

"Naru…what has gotten into you?" Mai asked curiously.

"Hehe…that sounded dirty." Mai's eyes widened.

"Oh my God! What!? You've been spending too much time with Yasu."

"Noooo, I have not, I spend too much time…wha?" he seemed to lose his train of thought. Something that never happened to Naru. Sober at least. Wait.

"Naru…who gave you alcohol?" he pawed at her shoulder.

"It...It was this guy…named Oliver, Mai-chan, he did it!" at this time, Madoka and Lin came out of Lin's office, and Yasu was walking in.

"Oliver who?" Mai pinched the bridge of her nose once more.

"…Twist!" and he giggled uncharacteristically. It was really kind of creepy.

"No really. Who made you drink the alcohol?"

"It…it was Gene, Mai-chan! I'm telling you! Gene made me do it!" Naru said, dropping to his knees and attaching himself around Mai's waist.

"Naru…Gene's dead." Mai reminded him.

"Whaaaat!?" Naru exclaimed, looking up at Mai with big eyes.

"I…I'm sorry." She said, patting his head.

"Okay." Naru then proceeded to walk triumphantly around the room. On his knees.

"No…wait, it was Honey-sempai! It was Mori! No, Mai-chan, seriously, it was Tamaki!" Mai groaned, getting up from her chair. And walking over to Naru. He pawed at her arm once again.

"Mai-chan." He whispered "Mai-chan!"

"What."

"…hi," cue another uncharacteristic giggle. Mai groaned. Again.

"Which one of you spiked his tea?" Mai cast an accusatory glance at Bou-san and Ayako, who each pointed to each other. Both had their phones out and were taping the event. Obviously, they came up with this together. Damn them. She lifted Naru up off his knees via his arm and had him use her as support.

"I'm taking him home," she announced. Naru then proceeded to hold up a fist for Yasu to bump, who gladly obliged as he laughed hysterically.

"Have fun you two," he said suggestively, leaning on an equally hysterical Madoka.

"Get bent!" Mai yelled at him, flipping him off. He just howled with laughter again.

And it seemed like hours before they arrived at their destination.

"Mai-chan! I…I…I like cats." Mai sighed.

"Very good Naru."

"Hey…hey guess what."

"What."

"I like cats!"

"I know."

"Mai-chan…talk dirty to meh!" and he proceeded to hum the tune to 'Talk Dirty To Me'. Mai wanted to kill something.

"Okay Naru, bedtime. And no, I'm not going with you."

"But…why not?"

"Just…no."

"Okay." He sounded disappointed. It had to be the alcohol. Mai dragged him towards his bedroom and put him down, taking off his shoes. She went to put the covers over him and he proceeded to try and play with her hair. She just slapped his hand away. As she was trying to turn him over so he wouldn't choke if he threw up, he sat up with a hand held toward her, staring intently at the wall in front of him.

"I," he started "AM NARU THE NARCISSIST." He pointed dramatically at nothing and Mai pushed him down by his shoulder.

"Yes, you are. Now, go to sleep."

"I'm not tired, though Mai-chan!"

"Too bad."

"Tell me a story!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"But Maaaai-chaaaaan!"

"Ugh. Fine. Once upon a time there was a cat-."

"KITTY."

"Let me tell the story. Once upon a time there was a cat named Oliver Davis. This cat was very adventurous. One day, Oliver wandered to Japan, where he met all sorts of friends. And he lived happily ever after with all of his Japanese friends. The end."

"I like that story!"

"Very good. Now go to sleep."

"Okay, Mai-chan." And before anyone could say anything else, Naru the Drunk-Off-His-Ass Narcissist was asleep.

Naru would give anything for the sunlight to go away. Wait. Since when were his curtains drawn?

"Rise and shine, Narcissist." A clipped tone said. Naru blinked his eyes open and looked over to where it came from, braving the hatred of the sunlight.

"Mai…what-?"

"Do you remember anything from last night? At all?"

Naru tried to go back in his memory but the pounding in his head wouldn't let him.

"No…should I?" Mai sighed.

"Never mind. Nobody's going to work today. I told Lin you'd need the day off." Why did she sound so angry?

"What happened?"

"If you do not remember now, then you never will." Just then, Naru's phone beeped with a new message. From Takigawa. It was a video. Naru opened it, and Mai walked over, curious. And they both watched in horror as the events from the night before unfolded in front of their eyes.

"I am going to kill them." Mai said. "I am seriously, going to kill them."

"Mind if I join you?"

"Oh it would be my pleasure, Naru the Narcissist,"


	2. Happy Birthday, Taniyama!

Soo, one of you brilliant minds was like, 'hey, I really like this, it was funny, you should continue it!' So, I did :3 the original title was a doozie...'In Which Someone Spikes Naru's Tea', but I like this one better, to be honest :3

So, enjoy a drunk 20-year-old Mai!

* * *

Letting Yasuhara take Mai out for her 20th, Naru decided, was a terrible idea. Apparently, the bubbly young woman had a low tolerance for alcohol. And Yasuhara decided it would be brilliant to drop Mai back off at the office. Mai, a giggling mess, had promptly walked right up to Naru and flung her arms around his shoulders. Lin had retreated to his office and locked himself in as Yasu winked at Naru and left Mai in his care.

_I am going to kill him_. Naru thought._ I am seriously going to kill him. Also, I still haven't completely forgiven Matsuzaki-san and Takigawa-san for that 'Spiked Tea' fiasco a few weeks ago._

"Hey, hey Naru," Mai said, poking his cheek. Naru sighed, prying the girl's arms from around his neck.

"What."

"Guess what…"

"What."

"HI!" She shouted, and giggled at his grimace. "You make funny faces, Naru." She said, wrinkling her nose cutely.

_Wait, what? Did I just call her cute? Not that she isn't, but...Oliver, get a hold of yourself!_

Mai suddenly ran over to her desk, spinning around in circles in her chair. Then suddenly she stopped, looking dazedly at the wall.

"I'm dizzy," she announced forlornly, before grinning and spinning around some more. Naru strode over quickly and grabbed the back of the chair, stopping it. "You're no fun." Mai pouted. Naru sighed again.

"I'd rather you not get hurt, Mai," he stated simply. Mai shrugged and lolled her head back and forth on her shoulders. Suddenly she grinned.

"Hey Naru…" she whispered.

"What."

"I…I like kitties too! Just like you do, Naru-chan!"

"When did I ever say that?"

"A few weeks ago, remember? Silly goose," Naru raised an eyebrow.

"How much alcohol did Yasuhara give you?"

"I dunno…a lot?" Naru groaned.

"Alright, up you get. I'm taking you home." Mai gasped.

"Naru! I am a lady! Don't suggest such crude things!"

"Not like that. Just, come on, before you throw up or something." He grabbed her arm and pulled her off her chair with more force than necessary.

"Ow!" Mai complained. Naru didn't pay attention. He just walked her out of the building and out into the street, Mai clinging to him and giggling the whole way there.

_I hate the world._ Naru thought irrationally. Usually the young genius was nothing but rational, but when you're half walking, half dragging your drunken assistant to her apartment, it's okay to be anything but rational.

When they finally reached the recently turned adult's apartment, Mai had her arms draped around his neck again. Naru dragged her to her bedroom, plopping her down on her bed and only bothering to take her shoes off before turning her over on her stomach (as you should with any intoxicated person) and pulling the blankets over her.

"Go to sleep." Naru droned. Mai looked over at him.

"I'm not tired though." Her yawn gave her away.

"Yes you are. Go to sleep."

"Sing me a lullaby~!"

"No."

"Please!?"

"No."

"_Please!?"_

"I don't sing."

"But Naru~!"

"I don't even know any lullabies."

"That's a lie."

"No it's not."

"Uh-huh, Gene told me that your mother used to sing them all the time."

"Gene's a dirty rotten liar." What was that random pang in his chest when she mentioned speaking with Gene? Hm, weird.

"No, _you_ are…hehe; he called you idiot scientist…though to me, that seems rather ironic…if you're a scientist, how can you be an idiot? Aren't scientists supposed to be smart?"

"Don't overcomplicate things Mai." Mai shrugged, and yawned again. Things were silent for a while, and just when Naru thought Mai had drifted off to sleep, she spoke up again in a soft voice.

"It wasn't very nice to say that I didn't love you Naru, and that I loved Gene instead. It was kind of unfair. Telling people that they don't know their own feelings isn't polite, Dr. Davis. Poor Madoka would be ashamed." Even if she was inebriated, her words struck a chord. Uncharacteristically shocked, Naru looked down at Mai, only to find that she was, in fact, sleeping finally.

"…we'll talk in the morning Mai." Naru said softly, pulling the blankets up a little more before going to her living room and settling down on the couch.

* * *

Mai groaned, turning over onto her back. Letting Yasu take her out for her 20th was a bad idea indeed. Looking over, she saw a glass of water and two pills on her bedside table.

_God bless whoever that was._ She thought, before downing both pills with a swig of water. Deciding to brave it, Mai got up only to see that she was still wearing her dress from the night before, but not the shoes. Someone had obviously taken care of her, because the only thing she had remembered from the night before was being totally shit-faced.

Grimacing, Mai stood up and trekked towards her kitchen, deciding tea would be best at the moment. When she got to the kitchen however, she jumped back at least two feet. Because, there, at the table, sat Naru the Narcissist.

"Good morning. Sleep well?" Naru drawled. Mai scowled.

"Get bent."

"No thank you."

"Narcissist."

"No, really?"

"Hey, be nice to me, I'm hung over."

"I don't recall you being very nice to me when I was hung over a couple weeks ago."

"…that was different."

"How so?"

"…It just was." Naru smirked.

"Have a seat." He nodded his head towards the empty seat across from him, and Mai was surprised to see a steaming mug of tea there.

"Uhm…thanks. For the tea, I mean…and, obviously, taking care of me last night…how annoying was I, exactly?"

"You don't want me to answer that."

"Yeah, probably not…anyway…did you want to take advantage of my physical wellbeing and interrogate me, or what?" Naru smirked at her words.

"Something akin to that. I wanted to ask you about something you said last night." Mai groaned.

"Oh God…"

"It's not _that_ bad. You said, and I quote: 'It wasn't very nice to say that I didn't love you Naru, and that I loved Gene instead. It was kind of unfair. Telling people that they don't know their own feelings isn't polite, Dr. Davis. Poor Madoka would be ashamed.'" Mai raised an eyebrow.

"I seriously said that?"

"You seriously said that. I know you were fairly intoxicated so you probably didn't mean it, but-"

"Hn. You really _are_ an idiot scientist aren't you? It was, in fact true what I said. I don't have romantic feelings for your brother, sorry not sorry. It wasn't fair of you to try and tell me who I had feelings for. No girl wants to hear that, it's the ultimate rejection. And seriously, out of all the times I've been in danger, was it Gene who came and rescued me? No, it was you. You are rude, narcissistic, condescending, and emotionally constipated. But I love _you_ and only you. You don't have to reciprocate, but I do ask that you accept my feelings. You don't even have to acknowledge my feelings toward you; just accept them and move on."

During her speech, she never broke eye contact. Her voice remained steady, and she didn't cry, but Naru could see the emotion churning in those honey-brown orbs. For once, he was dumbstruck and didn't know what to say. He drew a shaky breath before saying,

"I apologize sincerely. I didn't realize-." Mai held a hand up, interrupting him.

"Of course you didn't realize, you're emotionally stunted." She smiled. "But…apology accepted." Naru hesitated, before leaning forward and saying,

"You say 'emotionally stunted' and that I don't have to reciprocate your feelings…but let me ask you, do you think people can change?"

"I do, yeah. It's easier to change for the worse than to change for the better, but the rewards are so much more satisfying when you work hard for the better." Mai replied, leaning forward as well.

"And do you suppose that someone 'emotionally stunted' could have already reciprocated feelings toward one of his devastatingly beautiful friends and could work for a chance? I think so at least." Naru crossed his arms, biting the inside of his cheek. Mai didn't answer right away, and the seconds ticked by slowly before she answered simply,

"I would kiss you right now, but my breath probably smells terrible."

"I don't care…as disgusting as that sounds." And he leaned forward a little more, before capturing Mai's lips with his own. After a few seconds, she broke away.

"To answer your question, yes, I think that one emotionally stunted man could work for a chance." And with that, Naru smiled, actually, properly smiled (imagine that!) and reclaimed Mai's lips with his own.

* * *

Okay, in my opinion the funniest part is when she's hungover...that's just me though. Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!

Oh! And just letting you guys know, I have a story going on Wattpad, it's my own original work, called Shift (werewolves!). It would mean a lot to me if you went and read it (excuse the lame first chapter, it was late and I was tired :/) Search up kaitykitkat99, and you'll have me! Please follow/favorite and review

-Kaity


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